31 December 2007

My Christmas Vacation

It's nearing the end of Christmas vacation and I have had limited computer time. It was taken over by small people and I was too busy to reclaim it until just recently.

During the vacation I managed to keep busy by learning to knit. It was ridiculously fun and I made this wonderfully hideous scarf for Madison. I was having some problems with my tension being too tight, but that problem was solved with a quick trip to the knitting store. I asked the resident expert for help and she suggested I stop knitting so tight. That's why she's the expert.

Aside from learning to knit I frequented Jason's Deli with various friends. One of whom lost an eyebrow in an unfortunate accident involving a book and a 3-year-old. I thought I'd help him out a bit.

Thats what friends are for.

20 December 2007

Come and Behold Him

Yesterday I got the BEST plate of treats! It consisted of awesome homemade peanut butter cups, and the piece de resistance . . . a chocolate nativity. I am glad my friends think me worthy of eating the Holy Family. I decided to take a picture before consuming them.

My mom told me a cautionary tale about a cat who ate a chocolate Jesus and almost died. The implications to what happens to those who eat the Son of God are obviously implied.

All I know is, I need to get myself one of those chocolate molds before next Christmas.

While I was visiting my mom last night, as well as good advice, she gave me some folders for Madison. Some of them were cooler than normal folders because they had the elastic that you can flip around the edge (yes I get excited about office supplies). My mom had brought these back from her stint in Paris. When Madison asked about them I told her they were European folders.

"They're my peeing folders?"

"No. Not Your-A-Peein' . . . European, as in from Europe."

19 December 2007

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Just look at that sweet face. Upon looking at this picture you will say, "ahhhh . . ." that is unless you are a man who is not secure enough in his masculinity. If that is the case, then deep down you will want to, but you have repressed the feeling so long you no longer recognize it. Seriously though . . . let it out . . . you'll feel better if you do.

Yes, yes, he looks very sweet and he thinks he is hilarious. Off and on all afternoon he has been frantically calling for help because he is stuck only to laugh hysterically when I come to his rescue to find that he is indeed not stuck. As a result my response time increased with each call.

This last time I waited a while. When I went in I found he was really stuck this time. REALLY STUCK. Some how he managed to wedge himself between the headboard of my bed and the wall. I contemplated how to get him out (as well as how the devil he got there in the first place). I figured I would have to pull the bed out. Unfortunately the bed is rather heavy and my first attempt was pointless.

I thought about calling one of my newish (as in oh, 9 months or so?) neighbors to help me move the bed. I wondered if it would be considered child abuse to leave him there while I tidied up a bit before inviting a newish neighbor into my bedroom. Fortunately, this caused stress which resulted in my body producing natural endorphins which allowed me to move the bed on my own.

So that sweet lovable little boy is now free. I am sure you are all giddy with excitement.

Hoax Emails

This is currently floating around the inboxes and as far as hoax emails go, I find it particularly funny.

Hey it is tara and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the interruption but msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST 10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL. GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION. It's no joke if you don't believe me then go to the site (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1189119.stm ) and see for yourself. Anyways once you've sent this message to at least 18 contacts, your msn dude will become blue. please copy and paste don't forward cos people smell!

The last two lines are great. I'm not sure that the officials at Microsoft would send an email that says, "your msn dude" and "people smell!" I suspect that was added on to the original hoax. Which is a great idea, in fact, I think I'm going to start doing that. Every time I get a hoax email, I'm going to add ridiculous lines to it and then pass it on. I wonder how long it will take before my new version of the hoax ends up at snopes.

18 December 2007

Patrick Warburton

Today I thought I would post one of my favorite commercials.

You've gotta love Patrick Warburton!

17 December 2007

Saint Lucia

Madison learned about Saint Lucia in school on Friday. They were told that on Saint Lucia's day in Sweden the girls dress in white, put candles in their hair, and hand out crackers.

Madison came home and decided to dress up like Saint Lucia. She didn't know how to put candles in her hair so she improvised by putting a pen in a hat. Then she began handing out bread.

I asked her what she was doing and she was completely flabbergasted to find out that I didn't know who Saint Lucia was. She thought this was definitive proof that she was smarter than I am.

She kept talking about it all the next day.

Madison: "If you are smarter than I am you can answer this question, what is 8,542 x 1,000"

Me: "8,542,000"

Madison: "Okay, but can you do this one? 329,876 x 3,564"

Me: "Can I have a piece of paper? I can do it if I have a piece of paper."

Madison: "No, you can't have a piece of paper."

Me: "Then I can't do it."

Madison: "So I'm smarter than you!"

Me: "Uh . . . can you do it?"

Madison: "No."

Me: "Could you do it if you had a piece of paper?"

Madison: "No."

Me: "Then you aren't smarter than me. I'm smarter than you."

Madison: "That isn't how the game works, so I'm smarter than you."

Apparently not knowing the random rules to her absurd game means she is smarter than me.

I can respect that.

16 December 2007

I've Been Tagged

I have been tagged by my dear friend Ali. You can all go to her blog and complain because now you have to read a post all about ME!

4 Jobs I have had in my lifetime

My first real job was as a janitor at UVSC. It was the summer before my freshman year of college and I was trying to raise money to pay for my first semester of tuition.

My next job was in the computer lab in the humanities building at BYU. It was fun and where I met Michael. After I graduated from college I became a janitor at UVSC. I was excited that after 4 years at BYU was able to land the same job I landed as a high school drop out.

After being a stay a home mom for a few years I started working at Provo College. A few years after that I remembered that I didn’t like working and went back to being a stay at home mom.

4 Films I have watched over and over again

I watch Pride and Prejudice a lot. I love all versions except the Greta Garbo one. I know at least two people who will hate me for saying it, but that version is just okay.

Office Space is also a favorite, because “damn it feels good to be a gangster.” I even bought Michael his very own red Swingline stapler for his desk at work.

I love Cary Grant and Alfred Hitchcock. So I have watched North by North West, To Catch a Thief, and Notorious a few times. I also quite like Dial M for Murder even though it is lacking Cary Grant, as well as Rear Window, and Vertigo . . . you get the point.

I have unwillingly seen all of the Barbie movies more than once. Okay that isn’t actually true. Some of them I slept through, but I was present for all of them. Oohh the sacrifices we make for our children whose taste in movies is poor and sense of humor underdeveloped.

4 Shows I watch religiously

Assuming I could watch any show religiously with 4 children, one of my first favorites would be Pushing Daisies. I have caught an episode here and there, and I quite like it.

Heroes is another show I find thoroughly addicting. I haven’t been able to really watch it this season and that makes me sad.

My Name is Earl and Vegas are also in my top 4.

4 Places I have lived

I lived in Orem, then Provo, then Belgium, then Provo. I know, if it weren’t for that stint in Belgium I’d be pretty pathetic. As it is I'm pretty freaking awesome.

4 Of my favorite foods

I love potatoes. I love mashed potatoes, I love baked potatoes, and I love potato cakes.

I also like chocolate. I like good quality chocolate and the stuff most people who like good quality chocolate won’t eat. I’m not picky when it comes to chocolate.

I love Dr. Pepper. I drink it with lime, with cherry, or just plain. It's good stuff, and yes I consider it a food.

While in college my diet was centered around creamed corn and orange juice, but only because I was too lazy to make potatoes and too poor to buy chocolate and Dr. Pepper.

4 Favorite colors

I like brown, I like blue, I like orange, and I am trying to get myself to like pink.

4 Places I'd love to be right now

Right now, I’d like to be either in bed, or in a warm bath. Its winter and I’m cold. So if it is warm I’d like to be there.

4 Names I love but my husband would never let me use on my own kids

I liked Jane, Emma, James and Jake. They were all too plain for the husband. He wanted names like Zentrig, and Viggo (isn’t he in a Ghost Busters movie?) and Mats (pronounced motz . . . yes, my husband wanted to name a child after apple sauce).

14 December 2007


The boy was recently diagnosed with ADHD. It freaked me out a little because I always thought ADHD was just another name for bad parenting.

I was hesitant to put him on medication because I wanted him to learn to adapt. I started doing all sorts of activities to help deal with his energy and help him learn to focus. None of it really worked. After he had a couple of really bad days at school, I agreed to medication.

Yesterday we forgot to give him his medication. I realized this when I picked him up from school and his teacher informed me it was a less than wonderful day. Then when I put him in the car he jumped out and ran off down the sidewalk. I had to catch him and put him in three times. At that point it was too late in the day to give him the medication because it would have kept him up all night. But here is what is interesting and why I am writing this post:

This is the boy's homework on Wednesday (when he we was on medication)

This is the boy's homework on Thursday (when we forgot to give him medication)

13 December 2007

Why I'm Going to Hell

I don’t really like people. Now before you get offended let me explain. I like my friends and I like my family, but I try to stay away from people I don’t know.

I went to discount store with a friend of mine today. Every time they brought out a cart full of new items, people attacked it. So much so, it was hard for the worker to put the things away. There were so many people I wouldn’t have gone near that cart for a solid gold bar they were selling for 50 cents. In fact, when I saw them coming with the cart I went to the other side of the store.

I only go down aisles with other people on them if I have to. I avoid areas with old people because they tend to want to chat.

Mike has to call when we order take-out because I don’t like talking to strangers on the phone. I do make the calls when they mess up on our health insurance, but it happens often enough it’s like we’re old friends. Same goes for poison control.

The problem is that my hatred for talking to strangers is slowly dragging me down to Hell. A few years ago there was a woman sitting in front of me whose earring was about to fall out. I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her and passing a note seemed a little juvenile. She lost the earring and as I left I witnessed her crying because they were earrings her husband had given her. I still feel bad.

You'd think that would've taught me a lesson, but I’m a slow learner. The other day I was in the doctor’s office and the old man behind me dropped a paper. He was on the very edge of my peripheral vision, so I knew he had dropped the paper, but I just sat there. If I went to pick it up for him, he would want to talk to me. I just sat there. He struggled, and I sat there.

So its official, Satan has reserved a nice spot for me. I think he is setting up a little place for me right next to all the people who get angry when they have to wait in a line, because those people are really annoying.

10 December 2007

Subtle Hints

Chase doesn't talk a lot, so we spend a good share of our time trying to figure out what he's trying to say.

Right now, I think he is trying to tell me that he needs a bath.

09 December 2007


I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

I made Madison cry. It wasn't the first time I have reduced my children to tears, but this time I wasn't even mad.

She was getting ready to go to grandma's for a full day of the kind of spoiling fun that only grandparents can accomplish. They were going to be decorating gingerbread houses so she was very concerned that she look festive. We had been told a storm was on the way, and it was already starting to snow. As a result I was less concerned that she look festive and more concerned that her toes remain a cute pink color. I told her she needed to wear boots or good sneakers. She responded with a very quick, "Okay." Not entirely confident in her ability to choose proper shoes, I made her show me the shoes she intended to wear. She showed me these . . . .

See how worn they are? That's because they are so tight her toes have been trying to dig out for the past few months in a desperate attempt for air. I said, "no." Not only did I say "no" I informed her that those shoes needed to be thrown away.

"But I love these shoes!"


"Well, can't we just give them to someone?"

"No one will want them!"

"But I LOVE these shoes!"

It went on like this for almost an hour. There was pleading, weeping, chest beating, and everything else required to make a tear jerking, chair-arm-gripping drama.

She finally agreed the shoes could be thrown away, but she would be the one to do it.

So good bye shoes. You two had a good run.

07 December 2007


I am wondering if we should have named the baby Linus. I don't even think the name Linus was on the spread sheet. An obvious oversight on our part.

05 December 2007

Whistler's Mother

Seeing as Madison was my first child, I was anxious she be prepared when she started Kindergarten. I was a little less anxious with the boy and I figure by the time Davis starts Kindergarten, I'll be excited if he knows his name.

But being the over anxious mother I was, I bought the book her school uses for their general curriculum. It is called What Your Kindergartner Needs to Know. I decided I would be the fantastic mom that I am, and we would pick a subject from the book each week, talk about it, do some projects, and maybe even go on a field trip. If I followed through with it, she would be very well prepared to start Kindergarten.

I wanted to start easy, so I picked a section about art. We were going to have a discussion, then a painting project, then we were going to go to a museum. How awesome is that! We started the discussion and we talked about how artists use colors to express emotions. The book had two paintings to compare, the first was Whistler's Mother and the other was a Degas ballerina.

Just like the book instructed, we talked about emotions and colors, and how they work together. It seemed to be going very well. Then I asked her, based on the colors he used, what kind of a woman did she think Whistler's mother was. She told me that his mom was probably a lot like me, and if he had painted his dad he probably would have used the same colors Degas used. She went on to explain that dads are more fun than moms, because dads want to all the fun things that moms never ever want to do.


So every once in awhile I try to break out of my Whistler's Mother mold. Yesterday was one of these days. We decided to take the kids on the Polar Express. For the record, it was my idea. Yes, I thought it would be fun to gather all four kids onto a little, and very slow, train. And, shockingly, it wasn't horrible.

The trip was basically and hour and a half. They saw the north pole out the window and Santa gave each of them their own bell. Not surprisingly, Chase fell asleep quite awkwardly in the train windowsill. Awkward enough that one of the elves on the train asked if he was okay. He was.

Now, I'm not saying I'm going to do it again next year. But maybe the year after that, because, I'm fun damn it.

04 December 2007

Snow, Glitter, and Glue

This weekend the boys played in the snow and made a wee snowman. It is one of my favorite snowmen they have made. At Kai’s insistence, it even has eyebrows. They all had a lot of fun and were freezing cold by the time they came in. I think it was worth it because I managed to get some great pictures of Chase to send to Holt (Chase’s adoption agency in Korea).

With all the snow it is starting to feel more like Christmas, and with Christmas comes the approaching New Year. So I have started to think about New Year Resolutions. I don’t usually make one because I’m realistic and don’t often enjoy taking on the task to better myself. However, I feel like making a resolution this year, so it is important I pick something that is attainable. Deep down, well maybe not so deep, I’m lazy. So if it’s something hard, I won’t do it.

I thought about cutting back on the caffeine, but I’m not really motivated to do that for some reason. I could stop anytime, really, I could. I just don’t want to stop right now.

I also figured it might be good to eliminate a few choice words from my vocabulary, but being realistic, I know that isn’t an attainable goal until all four of my kids are married and no longer under my controlling influence. Yeah, that one is going to have to wait a few years.

Exercising and losing a few pound . . . uh, no.

Fortunately for me, I have a wonderfully helpful two year old. I found him in my craft/laundry room creating this. . . .

It consists of one box of Oxi Clean, one bottle of gold glitter paint, one bottle of dry silver glitter, and a bag of fruit snacks.

My resolution for next year:

I am going finish unpacking, clean, and organize my craft/laundry room. I am also going to be buying a hook and eye for the top of that door, but hopefully that will happen before the New Year.

03 December 2007

Bad News and Good News

I have never gotten a speeding ticket. In fact my driving record is virtually spotless. Today however, my good driving fortune has ended.

Sadly I swapped some paint with another car while I was parking. When the woman first saw her car, she told me not to worry about it, apparently it was her husbands car. I was a little concerned that her husband might be a little more upset than she was. I gave her my name and phone number just in case. The bumper on my car didn't fare as well as the bumper on her car. Not only does it now brandish new scratches and some new red paint, it has a nice crack.

As I was fretting about the fact that we are going to have to pay to have the other person bumper sanded and repainted and get a whole new bumper on our car, I got an email saying that I have now made my second sale on etsy!

Yup. I sold this handsome devil. So I have great news. I now have another 4 dollars of pure profit. This time I am going to put it towards my insurance deductible (I'm fairly certain the husband is going to be calling)! If I sell a few hundred more ornaments I'll be set. Of course in order to sell a few hundred more, I'm going to have to pull out my stained glass stuff so I can make more. Before I do that I'm going to have to clean out the garage.

I guess no sonic Dr. Pepper with lime for me today. Which is too bad because I could really use one.

29 November 2007


I had no idea you could make such great bubbles with milk.

A great mopping always follows great bubbles.

Funny Business

About two years ago I switched pediatricians. I had a pediatrician I loved but he went on hiatus and left me in the hands of several very incapable morons. Not wanting to risk the health of my children until his return, I decided to move on. Luckily, I found another pediatrician whom I love.

On our first visit I told him I switched because the incapable morons at the last office never listened to me. Looking back, I think that may have scared him a little. I think he was afraid of me. And I enjoyed occasionally tormenting him.

In May Madison went in for her 7yr check-up and he asked her if she uses a booster while in the car. She very unhappily reported that she did, but she didn't like it, because none of her friends sat in a booster. He pointed out that being very short and about 35 pounds she was going to be in a booster for a very long time. I said, "Don't worry, we know all about that. I mean, I just got out of mine!" He didn't laugh. He just gave me a weird look. I think he was trying to decide if it was true or not. For the record, it isn't true. I was never in a booster. Now, my drivers ed teacher made me bring pillows to sit on when I drove the car--but that's totally different.

I told Madison to suck it up. I mean look at that girl in the poster, obviously she LOVES her booster seat! Madison should be more like that.

After he fixed Chase dislocated elbow he asked me how it happened. I told him the whole story and told him how loud Chase was screaming. I have NEVER heard him scream like that before. Then I added, "and we were in the library!" He turned on his nice doctor voice (you know, the one people use when they are talking to really old people) and responded with, "Well . . . it really hurt." Apparently he hasn't been in the library with a child screaming like you just cut his finger off. And, It wasn't like we were in the kid section, where I am sure they are used to that sort of thing. We were in the "please turn your cellphone off section" where people don't look kindly upon screaming babies. If there had been blood and perhaps some exposed bone, they may have been sympathetic. Dislocated elbows just don't do it.

I thought he didn't have a sense of humor, and felt sorry for him. How do you survive without one? Then yesterday I took Kai in for a check-up. When I checked in, the receptionist gave me some papers to fill out. One was a sleep apnea screening, and the other was a questionnaire about his behavior. I didn't know how to fill out the questionnaire because he has times where he behaves like a totally different kid. I thought I could just fill out an average, but didn't think that would be really helpful. So I asked for two copies of the questionnaire. I filled out one for how he acts when he is my sweet little boy, and one for how he acts when he is . . . well, not my sweet little boy. I then labeled them appropriately. I was tempted to write "Angel" on the top of one and "Antichrist" on the top of the other, but figured after the library thing, I probably shouldn't push it.

When the doctor came in I gave him the clip board and he realized that I had filled out two copies of the same questionnaire. He started laughing, "You filled out two . . . ." Not just giggling, but really laughing. I looked at him like he was crazy, and said, "the receptionist said I could, I thought it would be helpful." He just kept laughing, "I've never had anyone do that before!" Ha Ha Ha.

It turns out he does have a sense of humor. Now I wish I had added "Angel" and "Antichrist" to my labels, because that would have been funny.

27 November 2007

Sometime I Wonder . . .

I often wonder if the people in the car behind me are mad because I didn't turn soon enough (even though there has been a heavy stream of cars). Then I get all tense because I am afraid they are going to pull up next to me so they can swear and flip me off. So I try to look at them with out looking at them. You know, out of the corner of my eye, real sneaky like. Then they don't do anything and I'm disappointed.

Today the car in front of me had a huge dent in the trunk. It also had a BACA sticker on it. I figure he got that sticker so that people who drive a Harley will think he's cool. I wonder if he got the dent because he backed over someones Harley. I bet the person who's Harley he ran over doesn't think he is cool, sticker or not.

Sometimes when I'm putting the kids in the car I freak out a little because I'm afraid someone will run up, grab my keys and try to drive off with them. So I shove them in the car really fast without returning my cart because I just want to get the hell out of there.

When I think I'm getting a little crazy, I think about a few people I know are afraid to eat alone because if they choke there will be no one there to preform the Heimlich. Then I just laugh because honestly, how weird is that?

26 November 2007

Hooray For Me!

Yesterday I sold my first item at my Etsy store. I only put up a few items because I didn't think I would actually sell anything. Now that I sold something, I may put up a few more.

I sold this little beauty for $8 plus $3 shipping. It cost me approximately $1.50 to make and $.20 to list. Then Etsy took $.28 off the sale. It cost me 4$ to mail it (oops) plus $1 in packing supplies. So . . . doing some quick math . . . I'm trying to figure out what to do with my $4.02 of PURE profit.

I think I might go to Sonic tomorrow and get a Dr. Pepper WITH lime (I can afford the extra for the flavoring now because I'm making money baby). I might even wait until after I pick the kids up from school because then the drinks are half price and I can get two! I'm so excited!

25 November 2007

Christmas Music

This is my new favorite Christmas carol (courtesy of my new friend Heather). This guy sings almost as well as I do.

24 November 2007


Anakin Tiberius Rex (aka Davis) started cereal yesterday. He is still working on the tongue part. Learning to eat can be hard work, but getting fat off of good food will be its own reward.

22 November 2007

Things I am Grateful For

The last few days have been . . . unusual. Needless to say, they have helped me become more grateful.

**That is Kai's turkey btw and he wanted to make sure I understood that pink thing is not his beak, it's his wattle. **

My week in review . . .

Day 1: While at the library Chase dislocates his elbow

The librarian was trying to help me find a book (The 5 Love Languages of Children ironically enough) and Chase kept trying to run off. I held his hand pretty tight and he lifted up his legs and dropped. POP . . . SCREAM. The boy can scream. We went straight to the doctor and had it relocated.

I am grateful for wonderful librarians-- she continued to look for the book, and when she found it she called me and told me she had set it aside for me to pick up. I guess she thought I really needed it.

I am also grateful for an awesome pediatrician who showed me how to relocate an elbow by myself. Useful knowledge I'm sure.

Day 2: Kai makes friends with the big boys

After school Kai and I were waiting for his sister to come out of her classroom. Four boys pass us. They are 10, maybe 12. Each of them walks by and says, "Hey Kai." He responds all cool, "Hey whats up." Complete with head nod.

I am grateful for children with confidence, even if they are on the small side.

Day 3: Chase loses my wedding ring

While I am getting the two older kids ready for school, Chase gets into my nightstand. He spread its contents all over the bedroom. I found everything, except my wedding ring. He may have swallowed it. Only time will tell.

I am grateful for cubic zirconium and other cheap diamond alternatives.

Day 4: We spent 4 hours in the ER

Chase had a fever. Nope it wasn't related to the wedding ring. I still haven't found the ring. Frankly I'm not that excited about that treasure hunt.

I am grateful for friends who will come to your house at 3am so you don't have to take all four of the kids to the ER with you.

Day 5: I made dinner

No really, I did. I made chicken and potatoes. I even bought rolls. It was going to be a surprise, but I had to break down and call Michael because I couldn't figure out where he keeps the potatoes.

I am grateful for large pantries, crock pots, and husbands that cook.

Day 6: The kids have a half day

I volunteered in Kai's kindergarten class for the day. It was only a half day after all.

I am grateful I had the foresight not to major in elementary education. I am grateful for all the incredibly wonderful (though perhaps a bit touched) people who did major in elementary education and are willing to teach an all-day kindergarten class.

Day 7: Kai freaks out in the store

As I am taking him outside he's screaming "LET GO OF ME!" I am stopped by a woman who is convinced I am trying to kidnap him. I suspect she followed me and wrote down my license plate number in case she heard an amber alert later.

I am grateful the boy wasn't really being kidnapped. Although he can be a real pistol, he is pretty cute.

I am not grateful for the mothers curse, however. Apparently she had similar experiences with me. I am grateful that I too must have been pretty cute, or I doubt I would be here today to write this blog.

21 November 2007

If You Can't Fall Asleep

Madison recited her new poem to us yesterday. It starts out nice but ends up being a little crazy. A family trait, I think.

If You Can't Fall Asleep

A Poem By Madison Malmgren
Age 7

If you can't fall asleep
then try counting sheep.

If you can't count the sheep
then count frogs that leap.

If your frogs will not leap
bed you will not keep.

Then I will bash your head
and you will have said,


20 November 2007

My Best Day EVER!

The boy's had a couple of bad days. As you know, he isn't really a fan of school. Desperate to help him have a good day at school, I decided I would go against everything I believe, and try a little positive thinking.

As he was putting his socks on and trying to convince me that he shouldn't have to go to school, I told him to say, "Today is going to be my best day EVER!" He grumbled it at first. "Say it like you mean it!" He said it a little louder. "NO! Say it like you REALLY mean it!" He yelled it and started laughing. "See!" I said, "You can make today your best day ever." He smiled, he stopped complaining, I'm a genius!

Madison looked at me. "Today is NOT going to be my best day ever." "Not with that attitude." I told her. She gave me the, "Your dumb and I'm embarrassed to be your daughter" look (it started a lot younger than I had expected) and said, "I have had a lot of good days. There has been Disneyland, sleepovers, and parties. Today I am going to go to school and then I will come home to do homework. Even if I could make this the best day ever, why would I want to?"

I always knew that positive thinking stuff was crap.

It seems really unfair that I have to have a kid who is not only smart, but also a smart ass.

17 November 2007

I Have Flying Soap in My Inventory

I would like to explain why it is that I am awake at 7am on a Saturday.

It wasn't long ago that I was asleep. I was having one of those crazy mom dreams. You know where I go to put the kids in the car, but realize that I have left the baby's car seat in the place we came from. So I run back to get the car seat and am stopped my some girl who tells me that Chase did something gross that they want me to clean. She won't tell me what it is and just says that I have to see because it's just "so gross." I started to explaining to her that being a mom I don't say, "eeewww . . . " giggle, and run away when someone says the words "poop" and "pee" and "vomit" and would she please just tell me what he did so I can get what I need to properly clean it. I was in the middle of perfectly good lecture when (in real life now) my husband leans over and touches my hand and says, "Wait! Don't move, don't move, don't move!"

me: huh?
husband: You have flying soap in your inventory now.
me: Flying soap?
husband: Yes, in your inventory, you know, like on your belt.
me: What the Hell . . . are you awake?
husband: I know it sounds weird, but I am awake.
me: So why did you wake me up?
husband: Because it's your turn.
me: Oh. Is the baby fussing? (we take turns when he fusses at night-- and it is currently my turn)
husband: No.
me: Are you sure your awake?
husband: Um. Never mind.
me: No, and this point I would like to know why I was woken up.
husband: Ya, maybe I wasn't awake then. But I am now.
me: Okay so I am going to go back to sleep.
husband: . . . . (apparently he is back already asleep . . . though I'm not sure I believe he ever woke up)

At this point I tried to roll over and go back to sleep but unfortunately we forgot to turn the kids alarm clocks off last night. We have them set for 6:30am so they can get ready for school. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and the boy growling while he says, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!"

I decided to just go ahead a get up. But I shut the bedroom door because I think the husband could use a little extra sleep. Just a hunch.

16 November 2007

Sand Box

Some one took most of the dirt out of our house plants and drove their toy trucks in the mess. I'm not sure who it was, but I have my suspicions . . .

He is asleep in the middle of one of his dirt piles. Pretty damning evidence. However, I wouldn't put it past one of the other kids to create the mess around him while he slept. Still he is the one with the unhealthy fascination with trucks.

Regardless, its good to know that I picked the right color of tile and rug. It is hard to see dirt on it. Even large piles of dirt. Though, I forgot to check the couch and when my visiting teachers came they found a large pile of dirt under one of the decorative pillows. SURPRISE!

15 November 2007

My Budding Leonardo

Yesterday the boy came walking up the stairs and down the hall when all of the the sudden he stopped. He stood there for a second, the he looked at me and said, "MOM! My brain just taught me a new way to write the letter E!" He got a piece of paper started at the bottom, instead of the top, and wrote this . . . .

I not sure what is worse. The fact that I have to tell him that his brain did his E backwards, or the fact that he refers to his brain in the third person.

I am also afraid that he is going to get a note from school saying they are very particular about the way they write the letter E, and would appreciate it if his brain would stop interfering.

14 November 2007

A Child's Mind

When I was in kindergarten I remember Mr. Castleton finding a black widow in the blocks at school. But now I wonder if it was really a black widow or just a spider I romanticized as being a black widow.

I also remember when the little girl who's desk was next to mine earned the strawberry scented notebook. She had one more "good behavior token" than I did. I would have won except I kept my eyes open during the prayer, and had some tokens taken away. I felt this was very unjust because I was only keeping my eyes open so I could tattle on other kids keeping their eyes open so their tokens would be taken away, thus securing my position and winning the notebook. My plan obviously backfired.

Once I dreamed that a robber, dressed in black and white stripes, climbed in my window during the night and stole my chap stick out of the toy box. I thought it really happened. I remember my mom being frustrated because she couldn't convince me that I had just lost my chap stick. She pointed out that the windows in my room didn't open. I didn't budge. In fact I'm still a little skeptical, it was pretty cool chap stick.

I remember tricking my mom into buying me a sticker book I really wanted. I told her that my friend Jon's sister was having a birthday party and I needed to get her a present. Jon didn't really exist and neither did his sister. I hid the sticker book in the closet in my room. I also had to play with it in the closet because I didn't want to risk my mom finding it. But as it turns out, she knew Jon and his sister didn't exist. I probably could have just said, "Hey mom, can I have that sticker book?" And avoided the self induced time in the closet.

I was reminded of all these things and how different kids look at the world yesterday while chaperoning my daughters field trip. We were visiting the world fest. We got to walk from booth to booth and learn about various countries and cultures. At one point we were told to gather near the stage because a Chinese dragon would be making an appearance. After a 20 minute wait the dragon finally came through the doors and the kid next to me exasperates, "oh . . . it isn't a real dragon."

13 November 2007

The Blood Pressure Game

Yesterday I went to the arthritis doctor. I know, I know, I'm too young! Tell me about it. I am the only person under 70 in the waiting room.

A normal visit goes something like this

1. Check in
2. Sit and wait
3. Get put in a room
4. Sit and wait
5. A nurse comes and checks your blood pressure
6. Sit and wait
7. Talk to the doctor

Yesterday they decided to switch it up a bit. I think they wanted to add a little spice to the old people's day. They decided to play the blood pressure game. An old person party classic!

Here is how it works. Instead of taking the patients blood pressure in the privacy of a room, you take it in the waiting room and announce it.

Most of the patients blood pressure was around 120 over 75-- not bad for old people. Mine was 111 over 69-- far and away better than anyone else there at the time! However, everyone in the office was shocked when nurse announced the woman after me. Her blood pressure was 220 over 78! You could litterally hear the other patients gasp! Then her husband very enthusiastically said, "Wow! Thats great!"

I suspect he thinks they won the blood pressure game. I don't know, maybe they did. I've always been shooting for low, but I recognize that high can be an accomplishment too. I like to think that I'm very fair and open minded. It's one of the many ways I keep my blood pressure down.

07 November 2007

Teenage Mom Meets Dirty Old Man

When I was a kid my dad used to tell us that my mom was older than he was. I believed him. My mom told me that Gilbert dies at the end of Anne of Green Gables, or is it Anne of Avonlea? I don't remember. The point is, she told me he dies and I believed her.

So it really shouldn't be a surprise that a few years ago I told the boy that I was 25 and I was going to be 25 forever. At the time he was 3, Maddie was 5 and Michael was 29 so it really wasn't so bad. But he still believes me and I'm not about to correct him.

The only problem is that he likes to tell everyone our ages. The grocery store clerk, the doctor, the stranger in the parking lot, the nurse giving him his flu shot . . . no one is exempt.

"Hey guess what! I'm 5, and Maddie is 7, and Chase is 2 and Davis is 4 months, and my dad is 31 and my mom is 25."

As you can see, I have now become a teenage mom and Michael is toying with the idea of being a dirty old man. Everyone else keeps aging, so it gets worse every year.

I was just going through the boy's school folder and found this picture. It's a partial family portrait. He has gone the extra mile to write our ages on the pictures. Maddie is 7, Michael is 31, and I'm 25. See Michael's big nose? That is probably because he is getting so old. As I understand it, your nose and ears don't stop growing. I'm not sure who that is looking over Michael's shoulder. Maybe its the grim reaper.

Mental note: take out life insurance . . . .

Sad Face

With out a doubt, Chase can pull one of the saddest "I'm so neglected" faces I've ever seen. This is the face he gave me when I told him, "no more candy." Do you see the chocolate on his lips? He's obviously had enough. But look at that face, how can you not give in? There is even a little tear!

Actually its easy. I don't give in because I have slowly become immune to the sad face-- sucks to be one of the youngest. Which is probably why he choses to take things into his own hands and get his own damn candy-- even when I have hidden the stools. You've got to admire his determination.

06 November 2007

Google Analytics

I love Google analytics. I’m slightly addicted to it. Each morning I check my stats from the previous day. Right now my most popular post is my Death of a Scarecrow post. I keep getting people from random countries searching for something (I don’t know what) in the Google image search that not only brings up that page, but draws them to it. They don’t tend to stick around long. I think the skull with the worms in the eye sockets it just too much for them.

Yesterday I was visited by someone in London. This person got to my site by using the search words, “hate parents” and landed on my I Hate Parents and Children post. I wonder about this person. Does this person hate his parents? Does this person’s child hate him? Maybe this person is looking for other people who hate their parents to commiserate with. All these things made me curious, so I did a Google search for “hate parents” and found a whole lot of people writing about how they in fact hate their parents.

Now I’m wondering if I should go back to school and get that degree in marriage and family therapy. But then I think, why would I do that when I have this blog?

03 November 2007

Halloween Candy

When it comes to parenting, Halloween candy is indispensable. I took a lot of human growth and development classes at BYU and never once did they tell me about the candy tool. I have to admit, I feel a little cheated.

If I ever teach human growth and development again, I'm going to add the "candy" discussion in to the curriculum. It's something any good caregiver should know.

The first thing I do after the kids get home from trick or treating is confiscate all their candy.

After confiscating the candy, I pick out the really good stuff, like the Almond Joys and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and put that aside for myself.

Then, I take what is left and dump it into a large bowl. They can have a couple of pieces right away--they did collect it after all. But after that they have to work for it.

I think of it as a version of tip share. Being the boss I get the best tip, and then I decided how the rest is doled out.

For the next few weeks you can hear me saying, "If you eat breakfast, you can have a piece of candy. " and "If you get dressed for school you can have a piece of candy. " and maybe even, "If you clear off the kitchen counter you can have a piece of candy." "No candy until you do your homework," is common.

This morning my two year old wanted something, but I had no idea what he was saying. He was getting more and more frustrated until finally I said, "Really?" as if I really did understand what he was saying. Then before he could protest (because he isn't stupid and knew I didn't understand him) I asked, "Hey, do you want a piece of candy?" He looked at me for a second, and said, "uh huh." Situation defused!

Candy is a great bargaining chip. The police should think about using it. "Give me the gun, and I'll give you a piece of candy." Its uses could be stretched to foreign policy too, "If you stop manufacturing WMDs we'll give you candy." We could even trade candy for oil.

No need to thank me. Making the world a better place is its own reward.

01 November 2007

My To Do List

Today I had one goal; I was going to take down the Halloween decorations. It is already 2pm and I haven't come close to starting. It isn't looking like it is going to happen in the near future either.

I took a feminism class while at BYU. There were several gems I learned during this class. One lecture I remember was about women and depression. We were told that women with small children get depressed because they don't think they get much done during the day. The professor said that women have lists of all these things they want to get done during the day, and at the end of the day they can't check much off causing depression.

Her solution was, instead of writing our to do list at the beginning of the day, we should write a list at the end of the day and only write down things you did. This will eliminate the depression because we can check everything off our list.

I think this is a great idea. So this is my check list for today so far:

1. Took kids to school.
2. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.
3. Teased my dad for joining facebook.
4. Super poked my dad on facebook.
5. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.
6. Had lunch with my mom.
7. Retrieved Chase from the front yard where he was running around wearing nothing but a shirt. Really-- NOTHING but a shirt. His lack of a diaper took the aeration guy by surprise.
8. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.

Wow, look at all the wonderful things I have accomplished! I feel so much better!

31 October 2007

School Appropriate

The kids can't just wear anything to school on Halloween. Each class has a theme and if they want to dress up, they need to adhere to their theme.

Because I didn't feel like putting a lot of time and effort into two costumes we threw together some class room themed costumes last night.

Madison's class theme was Peter Pan so she went as Tiger Lilly. The brown and the green material is left over from Chase's costume last year. She drew on the front of it with markers. She has a feather in the back of her headband, but it is kind of small so you can't see it.

Kai's class could go as a character from any of the stories they had talked about so far. He decided to go as Johnny Appleseed because then he could wear a pot on his head. He is wearing Chase's overalls. I wanted them to be too short, but when I put them on him they fit just fine, so I had to tighten the straps and roll up the pant legs. Then we made a pot out of duct tape. This is the face he made when I told him to smile.

30 October 2007

Teasers and Tricks

One of my favorite things to do on a Sunday morning is to watch the CBS Sunday Morning show. A while ago we saw a story about Stave Puzzles. I was completely enthralled. I have always loved puzzles. As a kid, I would to sneak downstairs at night to finish my moms puzzles before she woke up in the morning. As an adult, I'm sure, she just LOVED that. I don't dare ask her about it. As I child I figured she thought it was adorable and was in shock and awe of my fantastic puzzle skills. I'd hate to burst that bubble.

So My husband, being the wonderful person he is, surprised me with my first Stave puzzle. He skipped over the traditional and the teasers and went straight for the trick puzzle. He surprised me with the circus engine . I think I have come close to solving it a few times, but just can't quit get it. Its driving me crazy!

So now I have the boy . . . .

He is all sorts of incredible, and I mean ALL SORTS-- he can really drive you crazy. He likes to do things his way even when his way is, well, completely insane.

He doesn't stop talking. Yesterday I kept him home from school because he was sick. Because we would be together most of the day, I decided it would be fun to keep a tally of how many questions he asked. I tallied 300 around 1pm, and quit counting. 300 questions by 1pm while sick? Impressive? I think so!

He loves to build things. He sneaks boxes out of the recycle bin and hides them in his room so that he can make everything from robots to rocket ships out of them.

Needless to say, he has been having issues with Kindergarten. Apparently he doesn't do well with conformity-- go figure. I was concerned because I was afraid that he wouldn't ever be able to find a job that would work with his "out of the box" kind of thinking.

It just dawned on me today that I don't need to worry. He can design teaser puzzles when he is older. That way he can build things AND drive people crazy for the rest of his life. It'll be great!