Why I'm Going to Hell

I don’t really like people. Now before you get offended let me explain. I like my friends and I like my family, but I try to stay away from people I don’t know.

I went to discount store with a friend of mine today. Every time they brought out a cart full of new items, people attacked it. So much so, it was hard for the worker to put the things away. There were so many people I wouldn’t have gone near that cart for a solid gold bar they were selling for 50 cents. In fact, when I saw them coming with the cart I went to the other side of the store.

I only go down aisles with other people on them if I have to. I avoid areas with old people because they tend to want to chat.

Mike has to call when we order take-out because I don’t like talking to strangers on the phone. I do make the calls when they mess up on our health insurance, but it happens often enough it’s like we’re old friends. Same goes for poison control.

The problem is that my hatred for talking to strangers is slowly dragging me down to Hell. A few years ago there was a woman sitting in front of me whose earring was about to fall out. I didn’t tell her. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her and passing a note seemed a little juvenile. She lost the earring and as I left I witnessed her crying because they were earrings her husband had given her. I still feel bad.

You'd think that would've taught me a lesson, but I’m a slow learner. The other day I was in the doctor’s office and the old man behind me dropped a paper. He was on the very edge of my peripheral vision, so I knew he had dropped the paper, but I just sat there. If I went to pick it up for him, he would want to talk to me. I just sat there. He struggled, and I sat there.

So its official, Satan has reserved a nice spot for me. I think he is setting up a little place for me right next to all the people who get angry when they have to wait in a line, because those people are really annoying.