29 November 2007


I had no idea you could make such great bubbles with milk.

A great mopping always follows great bubbles.

Funny Business

About two years ago I switched pediatricians. I had a pediatrician I loved but he went on hiatus and left me in the hands of several very incapable morons. Not wanting to risk the health of my children until his return, I decided to move on. Luckily, I found another pediatrician whom I love.

On our first visit I told him I switched because the incapable morons at the last office never listened to me. Looking back, I think that may have scared him a little. I think he was afraid of me. And I enjoyed occasionally tormenting him.

In May Madison went in for her 7yr check-up and he asked her if she uses a booster while in the car. She very unhappily reported that she did, but she didn't like it, because none of her friends sat in a booster. He pointed out that being very short and about 35 pounds she was going to be in a booster for a very long time. I said, "Don't worry, we know all about that. I mean, I just got out of mine!" He didn't laugh. He just gave me a weird look. I think he was trying to decide if it was true or not. For the record, it isn't true. I was never in a booster. Now, my drivers ed teacher made me bring pillows to sit on when I drove the car--but that's totally different.

I told Madison to suck it up. I mean look at that girl in the poster, obviously she LOVES her booster seat! Madison should be more like that.

After he fixed Chase dislocated elbow he asked me how it happened. I told him the whole story and told him how loud Chase was screaming. I have NEVER heard him scream like that before. Then I added, "and we were in the library!" He turned on his nice doctor voice (you know, the one people use when they are talking to really old people) and responded with, "Well . . . it really hurt." Apparently he hasn't been in the library with a child screaming like you just cut his finger off. And, It wasn't like we were in the kid section, where I am sure they are used to that sort of thing. We were in the "please turn your cellphone off section" where people don't look kindly upon screaming babies. If there had been blood and perhaps some exposed bone, they may have been sympathetic. Dislocated elbows just don't do it.

I thought he didn't have a sense of humor, and felt sorry for him. How do you survive without one? Then yesterday I took Kai in for a check-up. When I checked in, the receptionist gave me some papers to fill out. One was a sleep apnea screening, and the other was a questionnaire about his behavior. I didn't know how to fill out the questionnaire because he has times where he behaves like a totally different kid. I thought I could just fill out an average, but didn't think that would be really helpful. So I asked for two copies of the questionnaire. I filled out one for how he acts when he is my sweet little boy, and one for how he acts when he is . . . well, not my sweet little boy. I then labeled them appropriately. I was tempted to write "Angel" on the top of one and "Antichrist" on the top of the other, but figured after the library thing, I probably shouldn't push it.

When the doctor came in I gave him the clip board and he realized that I had filled out two copies of the same questionnaire. He started laughing, "You filled out two . . . ." Not just giggling, but really laughing. I looked at him like he was crazy, and said, "the receptionist said I could, I thought it would be helpful." He just kept laughing, "I've never had anyone do that before!" Ha Ha Ha.

It turns out he does have a sense of humor. Now I wish I had added "Angel" and "Antichrist" to my labels, because that would have been funny.

27 November 2007

Sometime I Wonder . . .

I often wonder if the people in the car behind me are mad because I didn't turn soon enough (even though there has been a heavy stream of cars). Then I get all tense because I am afraid they are going to pull up next to me so they can swear and flip me off. So I try to look at them with out looking at them. You know, out of the corner of my eye, real sneaky like. Then they don't do anything and I'm disappointed.

Today the car in front of me had a huge dent in the trunk. It also had a BACA sticker on it. I figure he got that sticker so that people who drive a Harley will think he's cool. I wonder if he got the dent because he backed over someones Harley. I bet the person who's Harley he ran over doesn't think he is cool, sticker or not.

Sometimes when I'm putting the kids in the car I freak out a little because I'm afraid someone will run up, grab my keys and try to drive off with them. So I shove them in the car really fast without returning my cart because I just want to get the hell out of there.

When I think I'm getting a little crazy, I think about a few people I know are afraid to eat alone because if they choke there will be no one there to preform the Heimlich. Then I just laugh because honestly, how weird is that?

26 November 2007

Hooray For Me!

Yesterday I sold my first item at my Etsy store. I only put up a few items because I didn't think I would actually sell anything. Now that I sold something, I may put up a few more.

I sold this little beauty for $8 plus $3 shipping. It cost me approximately $1.50 to make and $.20 to list. Then Etsy took $.28 off the sale. It cost me 4$ to mail it (oops) plus $1 in packing supplies. So . . . doing some quick math . . . I'm trying to figure out what to do with my $4.02 of PURE profit.

I think I might go to Sonic tomorrow and get a Dr. Pepper WITH lime (I can afford the extra for the flavoring now because I'm making money baby). I might even wait until after I pick the kids up from school because then the drinks are half price and I can get two! I'm so excited!

25 November 2007

Christmas Music

This is my new favorite Christmas carol (courtesy of my new friend Heather). This guy sings almost as well as I do.

24 November 2007


Anakin Tiberius Rex (aka Davis) started cereal yesterday. He is still working on the tongue part. Learning to eat can be hard work, but getting fat off of good food will be its own reward.

22 November 2007

Things I am Grateful For

The last few days have been . . . unusual. Needless to say, they have helped me become more grateful.

**That is Kai's turkey btw and he wanted to make sure I understood that pink thing is not his beak, it's his wattle. **

My week in review . . .

Day 1: While at the library Chase dislocates his elbow

The librarian was trying to help me find a book (The 5 Love Languages of Children ironically enough) and Chase kept trying to run off. I held his hand pretty tight and he lifted up his legs and dropped. POP . . . SCREAM. The boy can scream. We went straight to the doctor and had it relocated.

I am grateful for wonderful librarians-- she continued to look for the book, and when she found it she called me and told me she had set it aside for me to pick up. I guess she thought I really needed it.

I am also grateful for an awesome pediatrician who showed me how to relocate an elbow by myself. Useful knowledge I'm sure.

Day 2: Kai makes friends with the big boys

After school Kai and I were waiting for his sister to come out of her classroom. Four boys pass us. They are 10, maybe 12. Each of them walks by and says, "Hey Kai." He responds all cool, "Hey whats up." Complete with head nod.

I am grateful for children with confidence, even if they are on the small side.

Day 3: Chase loses my wedding ring

While I am getting the two older kids ready for school, Chase gets into my nightstand. He spread its contents all over the bedroom. I found everything, except my wedding ring. He may have swallowed it. Only time will tell.

I am grateful for cubic zirconium and other cheap diamond alternatives.

Day 4: We spent 4 hours in the ER

Chase had a fever. Nope it wasn't related to the wedding ring. I still haven't found the ring. Frankly I'm not that excited about that treasure hunt.

I am grateful for friends who will come to your house at 3am so you don't have to take all four of the kids to the ER with you.

Day 5: I made dinner

No really, I did. I made chicken and potatoes. I even bought rolls. It was going to be a surprise, but I had to break down and call Michael because I couldn't figure out where he keeps the potatoes.

I am grateful for large pantries, crock pots, and husbands that cook.

Day 6: The kids have a half day

I volunteered in Kai's kindergarten class for the day. It was only a half day after all.

I am grateful I had the foresight not to major in elementary education. I am grateful for all the incredibly wonderful (though perhaps a bit touched) people who did major in elementary education and are willing to teach an all-day kindergarten class.

Day 7: Kai freaks out in the store

As I am taking him outside he's screaming "LET GO OF ME!" I am stopped by a woman who is convinced I am trying to kidnap him. I suspect she followed me and wrote down my license plate number in case she heard an amber alert later.

I am grateful the boy wasn't really being kidnapped. Although he can be a real pistol, he is pretty cute.

I am not grateful for the mothers curse, however. Apparently she had similar experiences with me. I am grateful that I too must have been pretty cute, or I doubt I would be here today to write this blog.

21 November 2007

If You Can't Fall Asleep

Madison recited her new poem to us yesterday. It starts out nice but ends up being a little crazy. A family trait, I think.

If You Can't Fall Asleep

A Poem By Madison Malmgren
Age 7

If you can't fall asleep
then try counting sheep.

If you can't count the sheep
then count frogs that leap.

If your frogs will not leap
bed you will not keep.

Then I will bash your head
and you will have said,


20 November 2007

My Best Day EVER!

The boy's had a couple of bad days. As you know, he isn't really a fan of school. Desperate to help him have a good day at school, I decided I would go against everything I believe, and try a little positive thinking.

As he was putting his socks on and trying to convince me that he shouldn't have to go to school, I told him to say, "Today is going to be my best day EVER!" He grumbled it at first. "Say it like you mean it!" He said it a little louder. "NO! Say it like you REALLY mean it!" He yelled it and started laughing. "See!" I said, "You can make today your best day ever." He smiled, he stopped complaining, I'm a genius!

Madison looked at me. "Today is NOT going to be my best day ever." "Not with that attitude." I told her. She gave me the, "Your dumb and I'm embarrassed to be your daughter" look (it started a lot younger than I had expected) and said, "I have had a lot of good days. There has been Disneyland, sleepovers, and parties. Today I am going to go to school and then I will come home to do homework. Even if I could make this the best day ever, why would I want to?"

I always knew that positive thinking stuff was crap.

It seems really unfair that I have to have a kid who is not only smart, but also a smart ass.

17 November 2007

I Have Flying Soap in My Inventory

I would like to explain why it is that I am awake at 7am on a Saturday.

It wasn't long ago that I was asleep. I was having one of those crazy mom dreams. You know where I go to put the kids in the car, but realize that I have left the baby's car seat in the place we came from. So I run back to get the car seat and am stopped my some girl who tells me that Chase did something gross that they want me to clean. She won't tell me what it is and just says that I have to see because it's just "so gross." I started to explaining to her that being a mom I don't say, "eeewww . . . " giggle, and run away when someone says the words "poop" and "pee" and "vomit" and would she please just tell me what he did so I can get what I need to properly clean it. I was in the middle of perfectly good lecture when (in real life now) my husband leans over and touches my hand and says, "Wait! Don't move, don't move, don't move!"

me: huh?
husband: You have flying soap in your inventory now.
me: Flying soap?
husband: Yes, in your inventory, you know, like on your belt.
me: What the Hell . . . are you awake?
husband: I know it sounds weird, but I am awake.
me: So why did you wake me up?
husband: Because it's your turn.
me: Oh. Is the baby fussing? (we take turns when he fusses at night-- and it is currently my turn)
husband: No.
me: Are you sure your awake?
husband: Um. Never mind.
me: No, and this point I would like to know why I was woken up.
husband: Ya, maybe I wasn't awake then. But I am now.
me: Okay so I am going to go back to sleep.
husband: . . . . (apparently he is back already asleep . . . though I'm not sure I believe he ever woke up)

At this point I tried to roll over and go back to sleep but unfortunately we forgot to turn the kids alarm clocks off last night. We have them set for 6:30am so they can get ready for school. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and the boy growling while he says, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!"

I decided to just go ahead a get up. But I shut the bedroom door because I think the husband could use a little extra sleep. Just a hunch.

16 November 2007

Sand Box

Some one took most of the dirt out of our house plants and drove their toy trucks in the mess. I'm not sure who it was, but I have my suspicions . . .

He is asleep in the middle of one of his dirt piles. Pretty damning evidence. However, I wouldn't put it past one of the other kids to create the mess around him while he slept. Still he is the one with the unhealthy fascination with trucks.

Regardless, its good to know that I picked the right color of tile and rug. It is hard to see dirt on it. Even large piles of dirt. Though, I forgot to check the couch and when my visiting teachers came they found a large pile of dirt under one of the decorative pillows. SURPRISE!

15 November 2007

My Budding Leonardo

Yesterday the boy came walking up the stairs and down the hall when all of the the sudden he stopped. He stood there for a second, the he looked at me and said, "MOM! My brain just taught me a new way to write the letter E!" He got a piece of paper started at the bottom, instead of the top, and wrote this . . . .

I not sure what is worse. The fact that I have to tell him that his brain did his E backwards, or the fact that he refers to his brain in the third person.

I am also afraid that he is going to get a note from school saying they are very particular about the way they write the letter E, and would appreciate it if his brain would stop interfering.

14 November 2007

A Child's Mind

When I was in kindergarten I remember Mr. Castleton finding a black widow in the blocks at school. But now I wonder if it was really a black widow or just a spider I romanticized as being a black widow.

I also remember when the little girl who's desk was next to mine earned the strawberry scented notebook. She had one more "good behavior token" than I did. I would have won except I kept my eyes open during the prayer, and had some tokens taken away. I felt this was very unjust because I was only keeping my eyes open so I could tattle on other kids keeping their eyes open so their tokens would be taken away, thus securing my position and winning the notebook. My plan obviously backfired.

Once I dreamed that a robber, dressed in black and white stripes, climbed in my window during the night and stole my chap stick out of the toy box. I thought it really happened. I remember my mom being frustrated because she couldn't convince me that I had just lost my chap stick. She pointed out that the windows in my room didn't open. I didn't budge. In fact I'm still a little skeptical, it was pretty cool chap stick.

I remember tricking my mom into buying me a sticker book I really wanted. I told her that my friend Jon's sister was having a birthday party and I needed to get her a present. Jon didn't really exist and neither did his sister. I hid the sticker book in the closet in my room. I also had to play with it in the closet because I didn't want to risk my mom finding it. But as it turns out, she knew Jon and his sister didn't exist. I probably could have just said, "Hey mom, can I have that sticker book?" And avoided the self induced time in the closet.

I was reminded of all these things and how different kids look at the world yesterday while chaperoning my daughters field trip. We were visiting the world fest. We got to walk from booth to booth and learn about various countries and cultures. At one point we were told to gather near the stage because a Chinese dragon would be making an appearance. After a 20 minute wait the dragon finally came through the doors and the kid next to me exasperates, "oh . . . it isn't a real dragon."

13 November 2007

The Blood Pressure Game

Yesterday I went to the arthritis doctor. I know, I know, I'm too young! Tell me about it. I am the only person under 70 in the waiting room.

A normal visit goes something like this

1. Check in
2. Sit and wait
3. Get put in a room
4. Sit and wait
5. A nurse comes and checks your blood pressure
6. Sit and wait
7. Talk to the doctor

Yesterday they decided to switch it up a bit. I think they wanted to add a little spice to the old people's day. They decided to play the blood pressure game. An old person party classic!

Here is how it works. Instead of taking the patients blood pressure in the privacy of a room, you take it in the waiting room and announce it.

Most of the patients blood pressure was around 120 over 75-- not bad for old people. Mine was 111 over 69-- far and away better than anyone else there at the time! However, everyone in the office was shocked when nurse announced the woman after me. Her blood pressure was 220 over 78! You could litterally hear the other patients gasp! Then her husband very enthusiastically said, "Wow! Thats great!"

I suspect he thinks they won the blood pressure game. I don't know, maybe they did. I've always been shooting for low, but I recognize that high can be an accomplishment too. I like to think that I'm very fair and open minded. It's one of the many ways I keep my blood pressure down.

07 November 2007

Teenage Mom Meets Dirty Old Man

When I was a kid my dad used to tell us that my mom was older than he was. I believed him. My mom told me that Gilbert dies at the end of Anne of Green Gables, or is it Anne of Avonlea? I don't remember. The point is, she told me he dies and I believed her.

So it really shouldn't be a surprise that a few years ago I told the boy that I was 25 and I was going to be 25 forever. At the time he was 3, Maddie was 5 and Michael was 29 so it really wasn't so bad. But he still believes me and I'm not about to correct him.

The only problem is that he likes to tell everyone our ages. The grocery store clerk, the doctor, the stranger in the parking lot, the nurse giving him his flu shot . . . no one is exempt.

"Hey guess what! I'm 5, and Maddie is 7, and Chase is 2 and Davis is 4 months, and my dad is 31 and my mom is 25."

As you can see, I have now become a teenage mom and Michael is toying with the idea of being a dirty old man. Everyone else keeps aging, so it gets worse every year.

I was just going through the boy's school folder and found this picture. It's a partial family portrait. He has gone the extra mile to write our ages on the pictures. Maddie is 7, Michael is 31, and I'm 25. See Michael's big nose? That is probably because he is getting so old. As I understand it, your nose and ears don't stop growing. I'm not sure who that is looking over Michael's shoulder. Maybe its the grim reaper.

Mental note: take out life insurance . . . .

Sad Face

With out a doubt, Chase can pull one of the saddest "I'm so neglected" faces I've ever seen. This is the face he gave me when I told him, "no more candy." Do you see the chocolate on his lips? He's obviously had enough. But look at that face, how can you not give in? There is even a little tear!

Actually its easy. I don't give in because I have slowly become immune to the sad face-- sucks to be one of the youngest. Which is probably why he choses to take things into his own hands and get his own damn candy-- even when I have hidden the stools. You've got to admire his determination.

06 November 2007

Google Analytics

I love Google analytics. I’m slightly addicted to it. Each morning I check my stats from the previous day. Right now my most popular post is my Death of a Scarecrow post. I keep getting people from random countries searching for something (I don’t know what) in the Google image search that not only brings up that page, but draws them to it. They don’t tend to stick around long. I think the skull with the worms in the eye sockets it just too much for them.

Yesterday I was visited by someone in London. This person got to my site by using the search words, “hate parents” and landed on my I Hate Parents and Children post. I wonder about this person. Does this person hate his parents? Does this person’s child hate him? Maybe this person is looking for other people who hate their parents to commiserate with. All these things made me curious, so I did a Google search for “hate parents” and found a whole lot of people writing about how they in fact hate their parents.

Now I’m wondering if I should go back to school and get that degree in marriage and family therapy. But then I think, why would I do that when I have this blog?

03 November 2007

Halloween Candy

When it comes to parenting, Halloween candy is indispensable. I took a lot of human growth and development classes at BYU and never once did they tell me about the candy tool. I have to admit, I feel a little cheated.

If I ever teach human growth and development again, I'm going to add the "candy" discussion in to the curriculum. It's something any good caregiver should know.

The first thing I do after the kids get home from trick or treating is confiscate all their candy.

After confiscating the candy, I pick out the really good stuff, like the Almond Joys and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and put that aside for myself.

Then, I take what is left and dump it into a large bowl. They can have a couple of pieces right away--they did collect it after all. But after that they have to work for it.

I think of it as a version of tip share. Being the boss I get the best tip, and then I decided how the rest is doled out.

For the next few weeks you can hear me saying, "If you eat breakfast, you can have a piece of candy. " and "If you get dressed for school you can have a piece of candy. " and maybe even, "If you clear off the kitchen counter you can have a piece of candy." "No candy until you do your homework," is common.

This morning my two year old wanted something, but I had no idea what he was saying. He was getting more and more frustrated until finally I said, "Really?" as if I really did understand what he was saying. Then before he could protest (because he isn't stupid and knew I didn't understand him) I asked, "Hey, do you want a piece of candy?" He looked at me for a second, and said, "uh huh." Situation defused!

Candy is a great bargaining chip. The police should think about using it. "Give me the gun, and I'll give you a piece of candy." Its uses could be stretched to foreign policy too, "If you stop manufacturing WMDs we'll give you candy." We could even trade candy for oil.

No need to thank me. Making the world a better place is its own reward.

01 November 2007

My To Do List

Today I had one goal; I was going to take down the Halloween decorations. It is already 2pm and I haven't come close to starting. It isn't looking like it is going to happen in the near future either.

I took a feminism class while at BYU. There were several gems I learned during this class. One lecture I remember was about women and depression. We were told that women with small children get depressed because they don't think they get much done during the day. The professor said that women have lists of all these things they want to get done during the day, and at the end of the day they can't check much off causing depression.

Her solution was, instead of writing our to do list at the beginning of the day, we should write a list at the end of the day and only write down things you did. This will eliminate the depression because we can check everything off our list.

I think this is a great idea. So this is my check list for today so far:

1. Took kids to school.
2. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.
3. Teased my dad for joining facebook.
4. Super poked my dad on facebook.
5. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.
6. Had lunch with my mom.
7. Retrieved Chase from the front yard where he was running around wearing nothing but a shirt. Really-- NOTHING but a shirt. His lack of a diaper took the aeration guy by surprise.
8. Thought about taking the Halloween decorations down.

Wow, look at all the wonderful things I have accomplished! I feel so much better!