I have a very difficult to motivate 6 year old and I need help. If I have to dress him, pack his lunch and school bag one more time I'm going to lose it.
This morning he tried to convince me that he should really just stay home because he had the hiccups and didn't want the other kids in his class to catch them. Seriously.
He has an hour and fifteen minutes to eat, get dressed, put his lunch in a bag, and go. But with out fail ten minutes before we are supposed to leave he is still in his pajamas. I would make him pay me a nickel for every time I need to remind him to get his clothes on but he have to have a weekly lemonade stand just to stay out of debt, and I'd hate to annoy the neighbors.
Here are the various things I've tried.
1. Giving him his own personal timer.
2. Having him get his clothes and bag ready the night before.
3. Various awards systems for good behavior.
He is currently working on a star system. Every morning he gets ready on time he gets a star. When he has five stars he gets to pick out a comic book. So potentially he can get a new comic book ever weekend. We've been doing this for a month and a half now and he has received one comic book. He has been one star away from getting a new book for a week now.
I think variety is key. New ideas always work really well for a week or two, but then he gets bored. I need more ideas please before I send him to school in his pajamas with out a lunch, a bag, or possibly even shoes.
Visual Anarchy: My increasingly chaotic trip to insanity.
10 comments:
I have been having this problem with my 5 year old. Swimming lessons were a real problem for a while because he kept making his older sister late for swimming. It was making me crazy. I want him to dress himself independently, but when he chooses not to and the unfortunate consequences fall on his sister's head, it just isn't right. So, this is what I've done (sounds like a variation on what you've already tried, so it may not work for you).
As soon as he gets home from school (over an hour before we need to leave for swimming), I set the timer for an fifteen minutes. If Duncan gets ready for swimming within 15 minutes, he gets an immediate reward. If he isn't done within 15 minutes, I set the timer for another 15. If he is ready before it rings again, then nothing. No reward, no punishment. If the timer rings and he still isn't ready, then he is punished.
I think the tricky thing is coming up with the right rewards and punishments. I hate to admit that I usually reward Duncan with food. I don't think that's great--maybe he'll grow up to blame all his eating issues on me--but food treats are what he finds motivating. A cookie, a truffle, the birthday treat someone gave him at preschool (oh yes, he doesn't get those automatically), a blood orange--that is really exciting. I am trying to switch to stickers, but they don't interest him quite as much.
As for punishments, that is really tricky. It is very hard to think of an immediate consequence that isn't spanking, and I'm trying to avoid that. However, I think immediacy is very important for Duncan. He just doesn't think ahead too well. So, I haven't had to offer a punishment much recently, he's been getting things done in time for the treat, but when I do have to give a punishment I take a toy from him room to the disappearance box.
I've no idea if this would work for you 6 year old, but the immediate reward/neutral/punishment program seems to work for 5 yr old Duncan. I think the other aspect that helps is that we do it at the SAME time every day. We start as soon as he walks in the door from preschool, even though that is really early. Also, I think starting really early helps as well.
We have also had the same getting dressed problem in the mornings. Our new routine is this: If you get dressed before 8 am and I don't have to remind you, then you can have Lucky Charms (but you must ask for them and you must eat them by 8 am). This works because Duncan loooooooves Lucky Charms. I hate to admit to using food again, but it is what motivates him. He still isn't close to earning Lucky Charms every day, but he is doing better and we're moving in the right direction.
My last thought would be (and this could be a totally bad idea depending on how the 6 yr old feels about school, staying in his room etc.) you might try shocking your 6 year old by keeping him home from school. He might not like it as much as he is thinking. Especially if you follow the common church time practice: If you stay inside the chapel you can have more freedom and more fun (but must be reasonably reverent). If I have to take you out to the foyer, or even out of the building, YOU WILL NOT HAVE FUN. So, you could shock him by insisting he stay home because he wasn't dressed by a certain time, and then make staying home very, very unpleasant. Or just have him stay home for a set period of time: 30 minutes or an hour. Because making things unpleasant all day long might not be humane or effective. Anyway, those are my thoughts.
Anyone who thinks disciplining small boys is easy is seriously mistaken. We are having serious disobedience and talking back issues here. It isn't any fun.
Have you tried beating him? I find the fear of physical violence to be very motivating. Perhaps just threaten to cut him every time he isn't ready on time?
pmom-- I really like the way you used the timer, and I like the reward, nothing, punishment idea too. I'm going to have to give that a try. I'll admit I did keep him home from school one day when he wasn't ready on time. I made him clean his room, read, do math that sort of thing all day. I also made him sit at the counter and eat his school lunch at lunch time. He hated it and it help for a few days. I just hate to use it too much because I think his teacher heartily disapproved. I really like the timer though. I'm going to have to start that next week.
Smash-- I tell my kids I'm going to cut off their fingers and or toes almost every day. For some reason they think its hilarious. I have to admit though I've never actually done it. Those types of things tend to back fire on me, like when I told the boy he would have to start helping with the laundry so that he would respect the fact that he has clean clothes and he then told his teacher that I make him do all the laundry and she believed him.
If The Kid wastes my time, I make her be my slave for the same amount of time. So if she isn't getting ready on time and I have to keep after her...if it takes her 30 minutes to do something that should only take 15 then she owes me 15 minutes of slave work. I make her wash the baseboards, walls, do laundry, clean toilets..anything I can think of.
I have also driven her to school with her clothes in the car and made her get dressed on the way. Telling her that she will not be late and if she can't get dressed by the time we get there she will have to get dressed in the car..and people will see her naked and in her underwear. Evil I know..but it worked. Don't know if Kai will care about that..he may have cooler underwear than The Kid does. I have tried telling her that if she doesn't get ready on time she has to walk by herself, something she HATES! That works too.
Positive reinforcement has never worked on her. I've tried all kinds of "If you do this you can earn this" types of things. Now if she doesn't get her chores/homework/whatever done in a reasonable time she has to be my slave for the day. It works reasonably well for her.
Even with her responding better to negative consequences..it has taken a while to find out which ones she cares about. I took away all her toys and books for a few months and she had a time frame to "buy" them back. (With "mommy money" she gets from doing her chores on time.) She didn't earn enough money to buy back even half her toys. I gave the good ones to my sister and kept a few..but the rest went to D.I. She went with me and watched as her toys went to children who would pick them up and appreciate them. She didn't really care. She gets way too much crappy "stuff" from grandparents, she's the only grandchild on The Man's side, and she just doesn't feel like they have any value because she has so many and knows she'll get more. Hmm..this is a longer story than I meant to write. Anyway, her room is cleaner now.
Maybe if Kai didn't have so many options in the morning he would get dressed faster? If he doesn't pick out his clothes by a certain time then you pick them out? Pick out stuff he hates so he'll want to get dressed on time.
We can talk more about this on Friday..cause I have LOTS of things I've tried that may work for you.
i say let him go to school in his pjs, no lunhc etc. seriously. make it his problem, not yours :). although, watch out for aback fire.
CarrieAnne-- we'll talk.
JessieKSJ-- I'm SOO tempted, but very concerned about backfire.
JimF-- She's unlikely to like me no matter what?! Ouch. I like to think I'm one of the parents teachers enjoy . . . but I suppose that might be delusional.
Last night Duncan had a bloody nose. Not a bad one, and we took care of it more or less, but he needed to take a shower this morning. (Some of it had dried on his forehead last night, but it had been rubbed off while he slept. I told him that even though he couldn't see it, he still wasn't 'clean' and had to take a shower.) I was not in the mood to deal with showers at 3:00am, so I got him up early to take a shower before school (he had more than half an hour before we had to leave--TONS of time around here). He was being slow getting into the shower so I told him to hurry so he wouldn't be late for school.
His response? "Actually, I do kinda want to be late for school."
I got nothin' for ya. Good luck.
What if you got him up and immediately stripped his pajamas off? Seems like he'd have no choice other than to get dressed then.
But I don't actually have any children yet, so you might not want to listen to me.
I thought boys liked to be naked? What if this sparks fantasies where he likes getting stripped by an older woman? I'm seeing therapy in his future.
I do have to say that I am sorry I have none to offer. I was once at a parenting class about the timer thing, and my husband piped up and said, "What if my wife forgets why she is timing the kid?"
I would also say let him go to school in his pjs, but my mom did that to me...and yep...so comfy I never took them off...
Post an update, I have a feeling I am going to need some more of this good advice.
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