Funny Business

About two years ago I switched pediatricians. I had a pediatrician I loved but he went on hiatus and left me in the hands of several very incapable morons. Not wanting to risk the health of my children until his return, I decided to move on. Luckily, I found another pediatrician whom I love.

On our first visit I told him I switched because the incapable morons at the last office never listened to me. Looking back, I think that may have scared him a little. I think he was afraid of me. And I enjoyed occasionally tormenting him.

In May Madison went in for her 7yr check-up and he asked her if she uses a booster while in the car. She very unhappily reported that she did, but she didn't like it, because none of her friends sat in a booster. He pointed out that being very short and about 35 pounds she was going to be in a booster for a very long time. I said, "Don't worry, we know all about that. I mean, I just got out of mine!" He didn't laugh. He just gave me a weird look. I think he was trying to decide if it was true or not. For the record, it isn't true. I was never in a booster. Now, my drivers ed teacher made me bring pillows to sit on when I drove the car--but that's totally different.

I told Madison to suck it up. I mean look at that girl in the poster, obviously she LOVES her booster seat! Madison should be more like that.

After he fixed Chase dislocated elbow he asked me how it happened. I told him the whole story and told him how loud Chase was screaming. I have NEVER heard him scream like that before. Then I added, "and we were in the library!" He turned on his nice doctor voice (you know, the one people use when they are talking to really old people) and responded with, "Well . . . it really hurt." Apparently he hasn't been in the library with a child screaming like you just cut his finger off. And, It wasn't like we were in the kid section, where I am sure they are used to that sort of thing. We were in the "please turn your cellphone off section" where people don't look kindly upon screaming babies. If there had been blood and perhaps some exposed bone, they may have been sympathetic. Dislocated elbows just don't do it.

I thought he didn't have a sense of humor, and felt sorry for him. How do you survive without one? Then yesterday I took Kai in for a check-up. When I checked in, the receptionist gave me some papers to fill out. One was a sleep apnea screening, and the other was a questionnaire about his behavior. I didn't know how to fill out the questionnaire because he has times where he behaves like a totally different kid. I thought I could just fill out an average, but didn't think that would be really helpful. So I asked for two copies of the questionnaire. I filled out one for how he acts when he is my sweet little boy, and one for how he acts when he is . . . well, not my sweet little boy. I then labeled them appropriately. I was tempted to write "Angel" on the top of one and "Antichrist" on the top of the other, but figured after the library thing, I probably shouldn't push it.

When the doctor came in I gave him the clip board and he realized that I had filled out two copies of the same questionnaire. He started laughing, "You filled out two . . . ." Not just giggling, but really laughing. I looked at him like he was crazy, and said, "the receptionist said I could, I thought it would be helpful." He just kept laughing, "I've never had anyone do that before!" Ha Ha Ha.

It turns out he does have a sense of humor. Now I wish I had added "Angel" and "Antichrist" to my labels, because that would have been funny.

Sometime I Wonder . . .

I often wonder if the people in the car behind me are mad because I didn't turn soon enough (even though there has been a heavy stream of cars). Then I get all tense because I am afraid they are going to pull up next to me so they can swear and flip me off. So I try to look at them with out looking at them. You know, out of the corner of my eye, real sneaky like. Then they don't do anything and I'm disappointed.

Today the car in front of me had a huge dent in the trunk. It also had a BACA sticker on it. I figure he got that sticker so that people who drive a Harley will think he's cool. I wonder if he got the dent because he backed over someones Harley. I bet the person who's Harley he ran over doesn't think he is cool, sticker or not.

Sometimes when I'm putting the kids in the car I freak out a little because I'm afraid someone will run up, grab my keys and try to drive off with them. So I shove them in the car really fast without returning my cart because I just want to get the hell out of there.

When I think I'm getting a little crazy, I think about a few people I know are afraid to eat alone because if they choke there will be no one there to preform the Heimlich. Then I just laugh because honestly, how weird is that?

Hooray For Me!

Yesterday I sold my first item at my Etsy store. I only put up a few items because I didn't think I would actually sell anything. Now that I sold something, I may put up a few more.

I sold this little beauty for $8 plus $3 shipping. It cost me approximately $1.50 to make and $.20 to list. Then Etsy took $.28 off the sale. It cost me 4$ to mail it (oops) plus $1 in packing supplies. So . . . doing some quick math . . . I'm trying to figure out what to do with my $4.02 of PURE profit.

I think I might go to Sonic tomorrow and get a Dr. Pepper WITH lime (I can afford the extra for the flavoring now because I'm making money baby). I might even wait until after I pick the kids up from school because then the drinks are half price and I can get two! I'm so excited!

Christmas Music

This is my new favorite Christmas carol (courtesy of my new friend Heather). This guy sings almost as well as I do.

Oh Holy Night

Cereal

Anakin Tiberius Rex (aka Davis) started cereal yesterday. He is still working on the tongue part. Learning to eat can be hard work, but getting fat off of good food will be its own reward.

Things I am Grateful For

The last few days have been . . . unusual. Needless to say, they have helped me become more grateful.

**That is Kai's turkey btw and he wanted to make sure I understood that pink thing is not his beak, it's his wattle. **

My week in review . . .

Day 1: While at the library Chase dislocates his elbow

The librarian was trying to help me find a book (The 5 Love Languages of Children ironically enough) and Chase kept trying to run off. I held his hand pretty tight and he lifted up his legs and dropped. POP . . . SCREAM. The boy can scream. We went straight to the doctor and had it relocated.

I am grateful for wonderful librarians-- she continued to look for the book, and when she found it she called me and told me she had set it aside for me to pick up. I guess she thought I really needed it.

I am also grateful for an awesome pediatrician who showed me how to relocate an elbow by myself. Useful knowledge I'm sure.

Day 2: Kai makes friends with the big boys

After school Kai and I were waiting for his sister to come out of her classroom. Four boys pass us. They are 10, maybe 12. Each of them walks by and says, "Hey Kai." He responds all cool, "Hey whats up." Complete with head nod.

I am grateful for children with confidence, even if they are on the small side.

Day 3: Chase loses my wedding ring

While I am getting the two older kids ready for school, Chase gets into my nightstand. He spread its contents all over the bedroom. I found everything, except my wedding ring. He may have swallowed it. Only time will tell.

I am grateful for cubic zirconium and other cheap diamond alternatives.

Day 4: We spent 4 hours in the ER

Chase had a fever. Nope it wasn't related to the wedding ring. I still haven't found the ring. Frankly I'm not that excited about that treasure hunt.

I am grateful for friends who will come to your house at 3am so you don't have to take all four of the kids to the ER with you.

Day 5: I made dinner

No really, I did. I made chicken and potatoes. I even bought rolls. It was going to be a surprise, but I had to break down and call Michael because I couldn't figure out where he keeps the potatoes.

I am grateful for large pantries, crock pots, and husbands that cook.

Day 6: The kids have a half day

I volunteered in Kai's kindergarten class for the day. It was only a half day after all.

I am grateful I had the foresight not to major in elementary education. I am grateful for all the incredibly wonderful (though perhaps a bit touched) people who did major in elementary education and are willing to teach an all-day kindergarten class.

Day 7: Kai freaks out in the store

As I am taking him outside he's screaming "LET GO OF ME!" I am stopped by a woman who is convinced I am trying to kidnap him. I suspect she followed me and wrote down my license plate number in case she heard an amber alert later.

I am grateful the boy wasn't really being kidnapped. Although he can be a real pistol, he is pretty cute.

I am not grateful for the mothers curse, however. Apparently she had similar experiences with me. I am grateful that I too must have been pretty cute, or I doubt I would be here today to write this blog.

If You Can't Fall Asleep

Madison recited her new poem to us yesterday. It starts out nice but ends up being a little crazy. A family trait, I think.

If You Can't Fall Asleep

A Poem By Madison Malmgren
Age 7

If you can't fall asleep
then try counting sheep.

If you can't count the sheep
then count frogs that leap.

If your frogs will not leap
bed you will not keep.

Then I will bash your head
and you will have said,

"ow!"